Rant # 5
Ugly Boy, Hot Girl Friend
I believe the world is ordered in such a way that makes most of the things I see upset me. For instance just the other day for the 27,433rd time I saw a hideous male holding the hand of a gorgeous female. She looked something like this
While he looked something like this (scroll down)
As I stared at what was before me the universe shifted, but maybe she was just taking pity on him, they could not really be dating I thought. As if on cue she turned to the man monster and kissed him. Then proceeded to keep kissing him. At this point I had to flee the room in terror or I would have either jumped out of a window or thrown up. What is it that makes these women pick up such monsters? It surely isn't there looks so it must be something else beneath the layers of scales and misplaced horns, what was it? I had to find out. Later I met up with one of my hideous male friends (named Steve K. Vivaldi, you know who you are buddy) and began to grill him 1920s cop style.
"Alright see, what where going to do here is, find out what you know see." With every other word punctuated with a see that too a long time to say. He at the time was dating a beautiful little girl named Amy Chow. I asked how they had met.
"We met in class she needed some help with her homework." Of course he must be smart that's why she likes him. But actually it turns out he made a 960 on his SAT and because that is the basis by which all knowledge is tested, it turns out he's a moron. So what else could attract her? I then tested his humor level. "Tell me a joke" I commanded.
At first he was hesitant but after I hand him back his +3.75 glasses and replaced his pocket protector he told me one. "A horse walked into a bar, and the bartender then proceed to beat the horse. Then a drunk asked why the bartender was beating the horse, and the bartender replied 'because he has a long face'." Shocked that he could mess up such an easy joke, I then proceeded to use the patented Colt Magnum method. Which is basically me taking out my Colt Mangum twirling it then placing it on the desk. To which he looked around for a moment then nodded me to come in close. "I can't really talk about this, but we all have a secret code to get them. Once you hit a certain level of ugly in order for the universe to keep in balance we must get a pretty girl because if we don't then over time we shall create a race worse then the entire state of Alabama. Before now the secret has never been given to an outsider. (I leaned in closer) It's actually very simple you see all we do is..." Then he fell forward. As I looked up I saw a group of between three and five fat ninjas run away.
"No!" I screamed I had been only moments away from infinite knowledge! Yet there in the back of his neck was a poisoned dart. Now I would never know the secret of their women ensnaring ways. So three days later I went back to my old way of getting women.
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